Man Beaten Up… By Witches

To Germany where a politician has claimed he was attacked by a coven of carnival witches. They beat him up.

I don't want to kink shame anyone. If you’re into that kind of thing, good luck to you. It’s just not for everyone.

He says they were dressed in traditional clothing of local witches. They were wearing hoods, leather aprons and dark stockings. OK, so that is objectively hot, not just a kink thing.

He’s Alexander Kebeck and he claims he was left with broken ribs after they attacked him in the Black Forest region. Ouch. That sounds painful. In the Bl… oh, that’s a region of Germany.

The witches in question, the local Heimbach-Hexa witches denied it. They have claimed that they are into piece and all of that. I don’t know because my knowledge of witches was watching tat Marvel show about Agetha. And my knowledge of German politics was from watching Dambusters, so I’m on shaky ground here. Obviously it's possible that it's true. The police are generally a force for good but we famously see some bad apples, and wicthes are known for their bad apples.

There’s a chance that he was just beaten up by six women but as he told the story he started to feel embarrassed that he was beaten by women, so he added, “But they have magic powers!”

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How To Stop Migrants

The Daily Mail carried a story with the headline that started...

“Migrants will have to prove they respect Western values, demonstrate 'honest living' and pass a test on…”

That would be getting your average Daily Mail reading so excited. Talk anti-immigration to me baby. But it goes on.

“...Swedish society and values under country's tough new rules to earn citizenship.”

Ooof, Sweden. So, not the UK. Sorry guys.

The Swedish government said it wanted to toughen the rules for obtaining nationality as part of a crack down on immigration. It makes sense coming from Sweden. If your whole deal is being blonde you have to do something. If your most famous trait is a recessive one you have to put some work in.

If there was a nation that prided itself on being able to do that thing where you can roll your tongue up, you’d have to have a strict policy.

While the headline is meant to make it seem hard-lined the details is a little softer. Migration Minister Johan Forssell said, “Citizenship must be earned, not be handed out unconditionally.” If you consider citizenship of your nation to be a valuable thing, then you can set standards that go with it.

This includes things like a language test. I don’t know how hard it is to learn Swedish but I think it means I know I’ll never be allowed to live there.

I’ve reached the age where learning a new language is pointless. I don’t have the neuroplasticity to pick up words. If I tried really really hard I could learnt o speak like a distracted toddler.

He said it was “crucial” to “always be very clear about the values that must apply in Sweden”. He added: “There is equality between the sexes. You can marry whoever you want.”

I think it should be whomever. How do you like that language test now, Johan?

He said: “Girls and boys have the right to swim and play football. If you don't accept that, Sweden is not the country for you.”

It would never work here. Some people have a view that the UK is so bad that we should hate ourselves so much we could never ask for our society to be valued.

I blame Hollywood. All evil villains have an English accent, so we think we're the baddies.

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School Closes After £1.8million Refurb

Highland Council has announced plans to close a school just one year after it had a £1.8million revamp. Now, I understand, when you’ve spent a lot of money and you have the latest, nice new kit, the last thing you want to do is let children anywhere near it. It’s like when you leave that plastic screen on your new phone for a while. But it’s kind of different with a school.

Strathconon Primary School might close because it’s predicted have just on one pupil. That would be intense for that child. It would make it hard to get away with anything. You won’t hear a teacher saying, “Why threw that?” If you can’t work it out you shouldn’t be a teacher.

In sports lessons when you have to do country dancing, you wouldn’t be able to group off in pairs, so that’s an improvement on my childhood.

The decision has been met with fury from parents. I imagine we can guess whose parents. They point out that the authority ‘must have known for years’ that the school roll was predicted to fall.

That’s true. The fact that there are no other younglings in the area must have gave it away. Were they hoping that the current cohort would all be so stupid that they get held back a year?

They spent £1,791,662 for the ‘refurbishment and extension’ of the building. The refurbishment you could almost excuse but the extension beggars belief. Why do you need an extension when you have so few children there? It’s just more rooms to try and find the kid in when he’s hiding.

The closure will mean the sole remaining pupil has a 24-mile round trip to his nearest school at Marybank. That’s a long walk.

It’s run by Strathconon Estates, whose director is Sofie Kirk Kristiansen, the great-granddaughter of Lego founder Ole Kirk Kristiansen. I think I know how they could have built that extension on the cheap. They could have knocked it up from Lego parts. It wouldn’t be very warm, comfortable or safe but… THERE ARE NO CHILDREN GOING THERE!

The only hope is that some locals pretend to be school kids and dress up in the uniform just to keep the place open. There is a chance I have been watching too many films from the 90s.

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Tulip Siddiq Quits in Corruption Scandal

Treasury minister Tulip Siddiq has resigned after being embroiled in a corruption scandal. Part of her job was to be the anti-corruption minister so… well done. You managed to rid the Government of some corruption.

It might be the only example in the news of someone in the Government actually doing their job. It’s almost a shame she’s gone.

After a few days of media scrutiny (including my video down below) she resigned saying that she didn’t want to be a distraction. Has she seen what she’d be distracting from? Rachel Reeves might like it if she stayed on till the end of her notice period.

Tulip had referred herself to the Prime Minister's ethics tsar last week there were claims about the house she lives in being linked to her aunt, who is Sheikh Hasina. If the name doesn’t ring a bell it mean you certainly aren’t one of her political opponents who hasn’t been spotted in a while. She had ruled Bangladesh as leader of the Awami League party since 1996 till last year when it all got a bit nasty.

It makes Sir Keir Starmer’s free glasses seem a bit cheep. He might want to up his price.

For more on this story see the three-minute explainer about the Tulip Siddiq scandal.

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Well Done on Divorce Day

Congratulations, you have made it through another big holiday. I’m not talking about Christmas or the New Year. There’s something that happens at the start of a year that’s less fun than the other festivities. The first Monday of January is called Divorce Day.

It’s the day when law firms see a spike in couples applying to get divorced. There are many reasons for this phenomenon. It’s assumed that the time together over Christmas is often the final straw that makes people want a break.

This is why also celebrate the first Tuesday in January, which is National Finally Be Yourself Day. You have no idea how much effort I put in over Christmas to make sure I’m not my usual annoying self.

Once you learn of Divorce Day you can outsmart the system. If I am tolerable up to the first Monday of the year I’m clear for another twelve months.

It’s also worth doing your research to see what issues are commonly raised by divorcing couples.

There’s been an increase in what they call silver splitter. These are people getting divorced later in life and apparently it’s caused by retirement. A relationship can work when you hardly see each other but there comes a time when you are around the house together more. That is a perfect opportunity to discover that you can’t stand each other.

I’m less worried about this because they will keep raising the age of retirement. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to stop work but that means I’ll never be around the house enough to be annoying. How’s that for finding a silver lining?

The lesson from silver splitters at Divorce Day is that spending time with your partner is the kiss of death for a marriage. We were always told that absence makes the hearth grow fonder, which I suppose is the nicer way to phrase it.

If this is true, we have to worry about the increase in working from home. After the pandemic more people learned that they could spare themselves the commute to the office and do their work on a laptop on the kitchen table.

It seems to be a better way to live. You don’t have to waste your time sat in busy traffic or crammed into a full train.

But think of the consequences. If you are at home together more than you are at work you are putting your marriage at risk. How can you work from home when you have to sell it to split your assets in half?

So put in some extra effort. It’s not long till Valentine’s.

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Why Labour Won't Fix Social Funding

The Health Secretary Wes Streeting has announced a new report will look into the funding of social care in the UK. Many would say, “It’s about time too.”

If you’re in a massive rush you could simply look at all the other plans there have been on the funding of social care. For decades it’s been the topic that politicians have said has to be fixed urgently.

The new report won’t be ready till 2028, which will be just in time for a new General Election and therefore all of the political mud slinging that will stop any bold plans being enacted. But again, if you think waiting till 2028 is a problem, you could say that we have waited well since 1997, so almost half a decade longer won’t make much difference.

The new independent commission will be led by Baroness Casey, who has been called in several interviews “a do-er”. I suppose that is in contrast so someone who is “a thinker”, so now we’re worried.

There is an interim stage of the report that will come out mid-2026. It’s good to get some details at that stage but it still means politicians can say, “well, we can’t comment now, as we await the full report before taking actions.”

Get more on this issue in Steve N Allen’s Look Back at Social Care Funding in the video “Why they won’t fix social care.”

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Things Can Only Get Worse in 2025

Almost two thirds of voters don't think Labour can fix cost of living crisis. This is according to a survey done for the i Newspaper.

You have to remember that good news doesn’t sell and if the results came back sounding slightly positive they paper would have asked another question about the weather or the football until they get the moan going.

It's all vibes, man. It's a question about policy and international macroeconomics, which should require trained, expert minds to comment on but what we have here is a survey is asking people how they feel.

And if you give someone the chance to moan, they will take it. If someone in the office says to me, “Hi Steve. How are you?” they’re going to give a five minute rant on how little sleep you get as a new parent.

It's all about confidence. And it's like Labour haven't even wanted people to feel good. The are so good at managing expectations they managed to make us all expect the worst. It could pay off. If we make it through 2025 without going to jail for a tweet it will feel like a win.

In the poll you had to pick which statement best fits your opinion. 26% agreed with “the Government will tackle the cost of living in 2025”. 62% agreed with “the Government will not tackle the cost of living”.

It was 12% responded that they did not know. Well done, that 12 %. You were the only ones who got it right.

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People Smugglers with Life Jackets Face Jail

The latest step towards smashing the gangs has been announced. People smugglers caught preparing to transport migrants across the Channel will face jail under terror-style offences being drawn up by the Home Office and the National Crime Agency (NCA).

Already the flaw it obvious. It creates a loophole where the best way to be a people smuggler is with no life jackets and no dinghies, which sounds worse. There will be an increase is rafts made of driftwood.

It's a bit like the Terrorism Act 2006. Just being in possession of such kit would be a crime. But life jackets feels like the kind of thing some people could have without being a criminal. If you are into paddle boarding you could get arrested.

If it works, that’s good, however it's one thing having a law and it's another catching people breaking that law. It's already illegal to smuggle people to the UK, so if you caught someone in possession of a boat full of smuggled people, you'd think you’d be set. That doesn't seem to be happening at the moment.

Another worry is that the Border Security Bill would not be “extra-territorial”, so that means it would not extend to the Continent. It would only be applied in the UK.

So, there's a risk that the only gangs that get smashed are the really small niche ones who are smuggling people away from the UK.

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Guess Who Is Banning Windows Now

In case you ever wondered what misogyny looks like the Taliban is there to help.

The latest news is that the regime wants to ban windows because, what’s the worst thing about a window? It’s that you might see a woman through one.

Taking to X, where a lot of other women-haters go, a spokesman for the Taliban said that new buildings should not have windows through which it is possible to see 'the courtyard, kitchen, neighbour's well and other places usually used by women'.

Honestly, for a while there, I thought he was listing euphemisms for lady parts. I think I know what the kitchen is, and the well – you dirty pup.

He claimed that: 'Seeing women working in kitchens, in courtyards or collecting water from wells can lead to obscene acts.'

Instead of the chaps just looking away they think the better solution is to stop buildings having windows. Another way would be to scorch the skies, like in the Matrix, so there’s not enough light to see any women in. That seems like a ridiculous idea but you wouldn’t thought the windows thing was a step too far before it was real.

To find out more, here’s video coverage of the story.

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Happy New… Easter?!

Congratulations you have made it through 2024 and it wasn’t the easiest of years. If you didn’t end up in prison for tweeting or being release from prison to make space you were one of the lucky ones.

As we look towards 2025 I find myself wondering what people will be angry about this time. They always are.

It seems that Easter eggs have already wound people up. There was outrage online, but isn’t there always, when some shops were seen displaying Easter eggs already.

I don’t know when Easter is meant to fall this year. I don’t understand the algorithm. Most other event days have a set date but Easter falls on the first Sunday after the full moon after you solved a riddle and buried some magic beans or something.

Even without knowing when Easter is going to be exactly I am fairly sure that having eggs in the shops now is a little early.

Normally we complain that Christmas is getting earlier every year and now so is Easter. At this rate it won’t be long till next Christmas starts during this Christmas and it will feel in sync for a while.

If you feel yourself joining in with this anger there is a really easy trick you can use to feel better. Just ignore it.

It’s not actually Easter that’s starting now. All that has happened is theme chocolate bars have hit the shelves. You can eat chocolate whenever you want. You can eat chocolate “Easter” eggs in January just as you can have an After Eight mint at midday.

You can also eat chocolate after the stated period. I was on holiday in the UK once. During a bike ride I popped into a village local shop and bought a Cadbury Fuse bar. It was only when I got home I remember they’d been discontinued in 2006.

I was chatting with someone who works for one of the offending supermarkets and they revealed that the shipments of festive eggs were delivered in November. If anything the shops have shown great restraint in waiting till after Christmas before putting them out.

If you are offended on some level that includes religious values and chocolate snacks, you could simply not buy any till we are near mid-April.

We are practised at becoming offended when we see something we don’t like. People complain about TV shows they don’t like the sound of, they take offence when something is worded badly and now they get irate at snacks.

My one wish for 2025 is that we learn to not get upset. If you disagree I’m sure you’ll tell me on X.

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Research This Government Waste

As some people struggle without their winter fuel allowance, reading that the Government is wasting far more money than they save from those cuts may make you angry. Hopefully that rage will help you keep warm.

The Taxpayers’ Alliance claims that £6 billion were wasted on pointless research projects. UK Research and Innovation, a government quango, has distributed that money to help universities answer various questions.

Without research we wouldn’t know vital information that could be the foundation of Government policy. It all sounds very worthy until you read about some of the research projects our tax money has bankrolled.

£200,000 of taxpayers’ cash was spent on a study into the environmental impact of Star Wars. I know there’s a scene in the original film that takes place in a trash compactor but it doesn’t seem to be the biggest issue facing humanity. If you add to that the fact that Star Wars is fictional it seems like a waste of money.

Maybe they’re thinking about all the plastic that went into making the merchandise and after the prequels came out many fans would have thrown their collections away. That would have ended up in landfill.

That money pales into insignificance when compared to £1.7 million of our money spent on a research project called Decolonisation, Appropriation and the Materials of Literature in Africa and its Diaspora.

Whoever commissioned that will need to spend a few more thousand to find out what that title even means.

£811,000 went on research into how the sustainable lifestyle of Romani Gypsy communities can help combat the environmental crisis. Even when the results are in, what can you do with that information? Recruit more?

If you want to test if research is worth doing, simply ask yourself, “Would a local radio DJ read this out on air?” From my years in broadcast I have found loads of pointless research in the newspapers to turn into a phone in. I can already imagine me saying, “Which recycling bin would you put C-3PO in?”

I happened to discuss this topic with Kirsty Buchanan, a former adviser to Theresa May, when we were both guests on a current affairs show. She is someone who was active in Government when this kind of research would have been commissioned. She said that while some research projects sound spurious much of what is looked into is important and useful when making policy. She also questioned whether the figure of £6 billion is accurate.

How will we ever find out? I suppose we could ask the Government to commission some research into it. I’m sure they have some money to waste on it.

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An Actual Safe Space

Labour had promised to get migration down, smash the gangs and reduce the number of hotel rooms being used to house asylum seekers. A quick check in will tell us migration is high, 20,000 asylum seekers have now crossed the Channel since Labour came to power, and the number of hotel rooms being used has increased. So, what's the plan for the civil servants in charge? Work even harder? Don't be silly, you brute. They are to be given a 'well-being room'.

It's to help with their mental health and anxiety. But its grand opening was moved from a Monday as most civil service staff are working from home on Mondays. I thought that was done for your mental health and anxiety?

A staff email said, "Whether you’re feeling stressed, a little anxious, or just need some alone time, the new well-being room is here for you."

What you have to love about this idea is that it is a room that you can go in on your own, close the door and that will stop other people going in with you. It has a border and that border can be closed. It is controlled. These are new ideas for the Home Office.

It also says, "Equipped with furniture and kitchen point facilities, it has what you need to take a break from your desk."

But your desk is equipped with a computer and a phone and the ability to get some work done.

I'm all for having great mental health and no anxiety and I am also all in favour of people getting their jobs done, especially when they're at work. That room could be used in a better way. It has a kitchen and a place for a little nap. Sounds like it could house someone while they're waiting for their asylum claim to be processed. There you go, I reduced the hotel numbers by one. This is easy.

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Korean Soldiers Kept Busy Online

There’s worrying news that North Korean soldiers are fighting for Russia but thankfully they may have their hands full. The Koreans are hooked on porn after being given unfettered internet access for the first time.

It’s understandable. We got dial up internet when I was in my teens, so it was a hell of a time. It wasn’t all MSM messenger and Geocities sites back in the day.

These are people who live in a country where they don’t have access to adult sites. In 2015 the country introduced sweeping bans on the world's largest porn sites like PornHub, YouPorn and for some people, Age UK.

These soldiers are then sent to war where they get all of the internet. They’d be innocently Googling for some war related stuff like “massive bazookas” and the next thing you know the afternoon’s gone.

It does offer an interesting battlefront. With the election of Donald Trump and the fears that he could do as he promised and end the war in Ukraine but by saying, “Here you go, Putin,” Europe may need to find a way to offer support.

If we know that some of the troops are hooked on porn let’s offer them even more to keep them out of action. Ladies, don’t worry about sending arms, you should be sending something near your arms but not quite.

The more T&A we can fill the internet with the more you’re helping to defeat Putin’s invasions. The West needs you to post those nudes. It will help keep us safe.

It might not actually help at all but that is a risk I am willing to take.

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