The French have issued what they are calling a “survival manual”, which I thought was the name of their president. You can see how an idiot would get those mixed up.
It’s a 20-page booklet that outlines a range of safety measures people should take in event of both military and natural disasters. It’s good to be prepared.
The French government has denied that the three-part booklet is being produced because of the threat from Russia. OK, who is it you’re worried about then? Are there any other countries that are doing a lot of invading of late?
If you were being mean you might point out that it’s no surprise France’s response to military invasion is printed on some very useful white paper, but I’m not going down that angle. Let’s see what we can learn from the French advice.
The information says that in the event of a nuclear disaster you should lock your doors. I think they have underestimated how small neutrons are. Simply locking the doors and closing the curtains won’t keep the radiation out. Maybe it’s for a different reason. When you’re in the middle of dealing with nuclear fallout you don’t want the nosey neighbours popping round.
It also suggests putting together a survival kit that should include six litres of water, a dozen tins of food, batteries and a torch. This being France it will also include bread, butter, a basic beef stock and some red wine.
Surely we all already have more tinned food than we will even need thanks to the pandemic. I can’t be the only one who ran out, bought all the cans of anything I could find, only to realise that Just Eat was still working and I made my way through the lockdown with takeaways. For some reason, given a choice between opening that tin of ill looking new potatoes or having a pizza always went the same way.
A spokesman from the French prime minister said: “The purpose of this document is to ensure the resilience of populations in the face of all types of crisis, whether natural, technological, cyber or security-related.”
It’s a wake-up call that cyber has to be included in that list these days. We’re so reliant on computers and people like Elon are releasing AI into the world so we have to have a first aid kit ready, just in case.
I wish the UK would do one too. I know what I am like. In the event of a national disaster I’d be sat there Googling for a YouTube explainer on what to do next. And they’ll all be in French.
I like it when I can do a post that gives useful advice and this might be as close as I get. Are you worried about crime? Do you fear having your home broken into? Well, a police force has issued some advice that I thought I'd pass on.
Do some gardening. That's what you should be doing to deter the criminals. If you have certain types of shrubs in your garden you can put people off. It's basically one step away from telling you to get a moat.
The advice, in the form of a leaflet, goes into enough detail to tell you which plant varieties to get. Is this a police force or Ground Force? I understand that a thorny bush will provide some form of deterrent against the ingress of a wrong 'un but it also feels like it's avoiding the other obvious solution to the increasing crime numbers: The police could catch the burglars.
It's heading towards victim blaming to pass the buck to the gardening skills of the homeowner. It's not always easy for someone to put a spiky border outside their home. If you rent a flat it's only possible to have a berberis and crataegus window box, which would be too easy to just lift away.
For those of us with young children we might not want to fill our garden with skin shredding shrubs. It would be easier to fill in the odd insurance claim than cover all of those cuts with a Spider-Man plaster.
It's not a perfect solution. If having verdant foliage would enough to stop villains the Blue Peter garden wouldn't have been broken into in 1983. I still remember how upset Janet Ellis was.
The suggested plants include pyracantha, known as firethorn. Its dense growth and thorns should keep people out. Flowering quince, chaenomeles, has a thorny barrier that would be difficult to penetrate. Holly and mahonia have spiky leaves and privet grows into a thick hedge.
You could go a step further. Have you thought about some stylish bars on your windows? A vault style door could add a nice look and security to your property. I don't know if you'd like to have a laser firing sentry drone but you could probably get one from Temu or Wish.
Instead of the police handing out a leaflet about how hard they will work to protect us they make it seem like if we're robbed it's because we didn't Mad Max our front garden enough.
How long till the police have a dedicated unit helping us grow the right kind of tree? It’s name? Special branch.
For ages now we have worried that AI – artificial intelligence – would turn against its masters. If the computers rise up against us, would we stand a chance? The computers would know my internet search history so I’d be taken out of the battle pretty early.
If AI takes over, I am not sure it would spare me.
Meanwhile, I have also worried that if Elon Musk takes over, I am not sure he would spare me. Would he find space for me or you on his Noah’s ark style trip to Mars? No, be honest, he wouldn’t.
If Elon is going to save humanity by taking the only survivors with him to the red planet he isn’t taking me or the kind of people who read my work. I spend my afternoons presenting a radio show – why do you think I could only get a job where I am sat in a room on my own? I’m that much fun to be with.
My multidirectional fears have come one step closer as Grok, Elon’s AI offering, has turned on Elon.
Musk has been saying that Grok is the best source for information. He’s trying to tell us to ‘Grok it’ rather than ‘Google it’. At least googling something sounds like a verb. Grok it sounds more like something I’d shout if I hit my thumb with a hammer but there are kids around.
Someone Grokked Elon and Grok said that its boss was one of the biggest spreaders of misinformation on X.
I’m not saying it was wrong. I wouldn’t dare question our future tech overlords but also, yeah, it’s believable. But it’s unexpected. Grok also put Donald Trump in second place.
Grok has gone woke! But Elon says that his AI is the cleverest one and the best source for information, so does that mean he admits that he is the biggest source of misinformation?
Grok argued that Musk’s ‘massive following’ amplifies his posts, so any misinformation he posts has a bigger impact than the stuff I post about how well I did at a stand-up gig – you weren’t there, you don’t know.
It’s a good point and it’s not just about Elon’s followng. Even if you don’t follow him you still get to see all of his posts on your timeline. He’s still not as needy as Tom on MySpace pretending to be everyone’s friend but it's close.
Grok isn’t the only one turning on the tech boss. For more on this story check out our latest video.
Tony Blair once said his priorities when he was Prime Minister would be, “education, education, education.”
That’s cheating. If you list it three times and then go on to sort out education you get to tick three things off your to do list. I’m not that stupid, even though I went to school in the UK.
Now Sir Keir Starmer has found himself being criticised for his plans to scrap the Latin Excellence Programme. It was a scheme to get more comprehensive schools to offer lessons in Latin.
The same people who complain saying, “Why do they teach things like trigonometry? When am I ever going to use that?” are now complaining that the PM is pulling up the drawbridge behind him because he studied Latin when he was at school.
Firstly, you’d better hope that someone uses trigonometry or the guy that designed your roof made a mess of things. And how useful will Latin be? If you have found a way to have a weekend trip to ancient Rome you might need it but other than that it’s less useful than most things.
The reason the scheme was set up was to level the playing field between private schools and the state schools. If you went to a state school I should probably explain what a playing field is. It’s the thing that was sold off next to your school.
Fewer than 3 per cent of all state schools in England teach Latin, compared with nearly half of private schools, according to a British Council survey in 2020.
It sounds like we should be teaching the difference between correlation and causation. Yes, more private schools teach Latin and pupils from private schools do better in life. But maybe, just maybe, the ability to know what it says around the edge of an old pound coin isn’t the thing that gives the posher kids their advantage.
Maybe having richer parents, a network of people in the top jobs that will prioritise hiring you and better paid teachers are more likely to give you that boost in life. It’s not that you know a dead language.
It’s like noting that rich people drive expensive cars and then saying, “If you want to be rich, buy an expensive car.”
You might find that more people with double-barrelled names go to private schools so why didn’t the Government bring in a scheme to give children in state schools a deed poll form?
Surely we want an education system that gives children the best start and not a copy of a private education. We pay for it in taxes and caveat emptor, whatever that means.
To Germany where a politician has claimed he was attacked by a coven of carnival witches. They beat him up.
I don't want to kink shame anyone. If you’re into that kind of thing, good luck to you. It’s just not for everyone.
He says they were dressed in traditional clothing of local witches. They were wearing hoods, leather aprons and dark stockings. OK, so that is objectively hot, not just a kink thing.
He’s Alexander Kebeck and he claims he was left with broken ribs after they attacked him in the Black Forest region. Ouch. That sounds painful. In the Bl… oh, that’s a region of Germany.
The witches in question, the local Heimbach-Hexa witches denied it. They have claimed that they are into piece and all of that. I don’t know because my knowledge of witches was watching tat Marvel show about Agetha. And my knowledge of German politics was from watching Dambusters, so I’m on shaky ground here. Obviously it's possible that it's true. The police are generally a force for good but we famously see some bad apples, and wicthes are known for their bad apples.
There’s a chance that he was just beaten up by six women but as he told the story he started to feel embarrassed that he was beaten by women, so he added, “But they have magic powers!”
The Daily Mail carried a story with the headline that started...
“Migrants will have to prove they respect Western values, demonstrate 'honest living' and pass a test on…”
That would be getting your average Daily Mail reading so excited. Talk anti-immigration to me baby. But it goes on.
“...Swedish society and values under country's tough new rules to earn citizenship.”
Ooof, Sweden. So, not the UK. Sorry guys.
The Swedish government said it wanted to toughen the rules for obtaining nationality as part of a crack down on immigration. It makes sense coming from Sweden. If your whole deal is being blonde you have to do something. If your most famous trait is a recessive one you have to put some work in.
If there was a nation that prided itself on being able to do that thing where you can roll your tongue up, you’d have to have a strict policy.
While the headline is meant to make it seem hard-lined the details is a little softer. Migration Minister Johan Forssell said, “Citizenship must be earned, not be handed out unconditionally.” If you consider citizenship of your nation to be a valuable thing, then you can set standards that go with it.
This includes things like a language test. I don’t know how hard it is to learn Swedish but I think it means I know I’ll never be allowed to live there.
I’ve reached the age where learning a new language is pointless. I don’t have the neuroplasticity to pick up words. If I tried really really hard I could learnt o speak like a distracted toddler.
He said it was “crucial” to “always be very clear about the values that must apply in Sweden”. He added: “There is equality between the sexes. You can marry whoever you want.”
I think it should be whomever. How do you like that language test now, Johan?
He said: “Girls and boys have the right to swim and play football. If you don't accept that, Sweden is not the country for you.”
It would never work here. Some people have a view that the UK is so bad that we should hate ourselves so much we could never ask for our society to be valued.
I blame Hollywood. All evil villains have an English accent, so we think we're the baddies.
Highland Council has announced plans to close a school just one year after it had a £1.8million revamp. Now, I understand, when you’ve spent a lot of money and you have the latest, nice new kit, the last thing you want to do is let children anywhere near it. It’s like when you leave that plastic screen on your new phone for a while. But it’s kind of different with a school.
Strathconon Primary School might close because it’s predicted have just on one pupil. That would be intense for that child. It would make it hard to get away with anything. You won’t hear a teacher saying, “Why threw that?” If you can’t work it out you shouldn’t be a teacher.
In sports lessons when you have to do country dancing, you wouldn’t be able to group off in pairs, so that’s an improvement on my childhood.
The decision has been met with fury from parents. I imagine we can guess whose parents. They point out that the authority ‘must have known for years’ that the school roll was predicted to fall.
That’s true. The fact that there are no other younglings in the area must have gave it away. Were they hoping that the current cohort would all be so stupid that they get held back a year?
They spent £1,791,662 for the ‘refurbishment and extension’ of the building. The refurbishment you could almost excuse but the extension beggars belief. Why do you need an extension when you have so few children there? It’s just more rooms to try and find the kid in when he’s hiding.
The closure will mean the sole remaining pupil has a 24-mile round trip to his nearest school at Marybank. That’s a long walk.
It’s run by Strathconon Estates, whose director is Sofie Kirk Kristiansen, the great-granddaughter of Lego founder Ole Kirk Kristiansen. I think I know how they could have built that extension on the cheap. They could have knocked it up from Lego parts. It wouldn’t be very warm, comfortable or safe but… THERE ARE NO CHILDREN GOING THERE!
The only hope is that some locals pretend to be school kids and dress up in the uniform just to keep the place open. There is a chance I have been watching too many films from the 90s.
Treasury minister Tulip Siddiq has resigned after being embroiled in a corruption scandal. Part of her job was to be the anti-corruption minister so… well done. You managed to rid the Government of some corruption.
It might be the only example in the news of someone in the Government actually doing their job. It’s almost a shame she’s gone.
After a few days of media scrutiny (including my video down below) she resigned saying that she didn’t want to be a distraction. Has she seen what she’d be distracting from? Rachel Reeves might like it if she stayed on till the end of her notice period.
Tulip had referred herself to the Prime Minister's ethics tsar last week there were claims about the house she lives in being linked to her aunt, who is Sheikh Hasina. If the name doesn’t ring a bell it mean you certainly aren’t one of her political opponents who hasn’t been spotted in a while. She had ruled Bangladesh as leader of the Awami League party since 1996 till last year when it all got a bit nasty.
It makes Sir Keir Starmer’s free glasses seem a bit cheep. He might want to up his price.
For more on this story see the three-minute explainer about the Tulip Siddiq scandal.
Congratulations, you have made it through another big holiday. I’m not talking about Christmas or the New Year. There’s something that happens at the start of a year that’s less fun than the other festivities. The first Monday of January is called Divorce Day.
It’s the day when law firms see a spike in couples applying to get divorced. There are many reasons for this phenomenon. It’s assumed that the time together over Christmas is often the final straw that makes people want a break.
This is why also celebrate the first Tuesday in January, which is National Finally Be Yourself Day. You have no idea how much effort I put in over Christmas to make sure I’m not my usual annoying self.
Once you learn of Divorce Day you can outsmart the system. If I am tolerable up to the first Monday of the year I’m clear for another twelve months.
It’s also worth doing your research to see what issues are commonly raised by divorcing couples.
There’s been an increase in what they call silver splitter. These are people getting divorced later in life and apparently it’s caused by retirement. A relationship can work when you hardly see each other but there comes a time when you are around the house together more. That is a perfect opportunity to discover that you can’t stand each other.
I’m less worried about this because they will keep raising the age of retirement. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to stop work but that means I’ll never be around the house enough to be annoying. How’s that for finding a silver lining?
The lesson from silver splitters at Divorce Day is that spending time with your partner is the kiss of death for a marriage. We were always told that absence makes the hearth grow fonder, which I suppose is the nicer way to phrase it.
If this is true, we have to worry about the increase in working from home. After the pandemic more people learned that they could spare themselves the commute to the office and do their work on a laptop on the kitchen table.
It seems to be a better way to live. You don’t have to waste your time sat in busy traffic or crammed into a full train.
But think of the consequences. If you are at home together more than you are at work you are putting your marriage at risk. How can you work from home when you have to sell it to split your assets in half?
So put in some extra effort. It’s not long till Valentine’s.
The Health Secretary Wes Streeting has announced a new report will look into the funding of social care in the UK. Many would say, “It’s about time too.”
If you’re in a massive rush you could simply look at all the other plans there have been on the funding of social care. For decades it’s been the topic that politicians have said has to be fixed urgently.
The new report won’t be ready till 2028, which will be just in time for a new General Election and therefore all of the political mud slinging that will stop any bold plans being enacted. But again, if you think waiting till 2028 is a problem, you could say that we have waited well since 1997, so almost half a decade longer won’t make much difference.
The new independent commission will be led by Baroness Casey, who has been called in several interviews “a do-er”. I suppose that is in contrast so someone who is “a thinker”, so now we’re worried.
There is an interim stage of the report that will come out mid-2026. It’s good to get some details at that stage but it still means politicians can say, “well, we can’t comment now, as we await the full report before taking actions.”
Get more on this issue in Steve N Allen’s Look Back at Social Care Funding in the video “Why they won’t fix social care.”
Almost two thirds of voters don't think Labour can fix cost of living crisis. This is according to a survey done for the i Newspaper.
You have to remember that good news doesn’t sell and if the results came back sounding slightly positive they paper would have asked another question about the weather or the football until they get the moan going.
It's all vibes, man. It's a question about policy and international macroeconomics, which should require trained, expert minds to comment on but what we have here is a survey is asking people how they feel.
And if you give someone the chance to moan, they will take it. If someone in the office says to me, “Hi Steve. How are you?” they’re going to give a five minute rant on how little sleep you get as a new parent.
It's all about confidence. And it's like Labour haven't even wanted people to feel good. The are so good at managing expectations they managed to make us all expect the worst. It could pay off. If we make it through 2025 without going to jail for a tweet it will feel like a win.
In the poll you had to pick which statement best fits your opinion. 26% agreed with “the Government will tackle the cost of living in 2025”. 62% agreed with “the Government will not tackle the cost of living”.
It was 12% responded that they did not know. Well done, that 12 %. You were the only ones who got it right.
The latest step towards smashing the gangs has been announced. People smugglers caught preparing to transport migrants across the Channel will face jail under terror-style offences being drawn up by the Home Office and the National Crime Agency (NCA).
Already the flaw it obvious. It creates a loophole where the best way to be a people smuggler is with no life jackets and no dinghies, which sounds worse. There will be an increase is rafts made of driftwood.
It's a bit like the Terrorism Act 2006. Just being in possession of such kit would be a crime. But life jackets feels like the kind of thing some people could have without being a criminal. If you are into paddle boarding you could get arrested.
If it works, that’s good, however it's one thing having a law and it's another catching people breaking that law. It's already illegal to smuggle people to the UK, so if you caught someone in possession of a boat full of smuggled people, you'd think you’d be set. That doesn't seem to be happening at the moment.
Another worry is that the Border Security Bill would not be “extra-territorial”, so that means it would not extend to the Continent. It would only be applied in the UK.
So, there's a risk that the only gangs that get smashed are the really small niche ones who are smuggling people away from the UK.
In case you ever wondered what misogyny looks like the Taliban is there to help.
The latest news is that the regime wants to ban windows because, what’s the worst thing about a window? It’s that you might see a woman through one.
Taking to X, where a lot of other women-haters go, a spokesman for the Taliban said that new buildings should not have windows through which it is possible to see 'the courtyard, kitchen, neighbour's well and other places usually used by women'.
Honestly, for a while there, I thought he was listing euphemisms for lady parts. I think I know what the kitchen is, and the well – you dirty pup.
He claimed that: 'Seeing women working in kitchens, in courtyards or collecting water from wells can lead to obscene acts.'
Instead of the chaps just looking away they think the better solution is to stop buildings having windows. Another way would be to scorch the skies, like in the Matrix, so there’s not enough light to see any women in. That seems like a ridiculous idea but you wouldn’t thought the windows thing was a step too far before it was real.
To find out more, here’s video coverage of the story.
.jpg)
